Score:
Read the following sentences titled in “statement” if you want.
Send comments to liu.jinx@northeastern.edu if you have one.
Warning: the statement is currently grammerly inaccurate. Intrepret it, and if you don’t want to, skip it.
Statement
2022/9/26
“A day
Then get up in the morning reluctantly
Attend classes
Struggle with homework
Be miserable
Be sad
Be perplexed
Go to bed”
This is my ex-score.
This is me, manipulated by hormones. Fragile body, and uselessness. A day is happy, the other day is sad, and poor “me” can’t even define myself.
When I wrote this(score), other than completing homework I also wanted to find resonance. I want to know…what’s other people’s thought. I want to know…In the end, whether I can find the meaning of life in crowd or not.
……you see, if I’m blind, I can’t paint anymore. If I have broken arms, I wouldn’t be able to do anything.
My former teacher told me a story in which there was a question, “What is the meaning of finding meaning in life?” “I think that a good question. It can be used to help you find meaning in life.
In Richard Hall, I sat on couch beside the doorway. There is a plaque painted in black with gold characters that reads “1941-1945, commemorating these Northeastern people who died for their country”.
…… Golden plaque. As if by erasing this, they would no longer exist. Is that right? The sacrifice is meaningless.
No, the definition should not be defined by me, it must be by themselves.
Let’s go see “the Confessions” again.
……
2022/9/27/13:05/In Ryder hall waiting for class
These days are busy and my brain have not recovered yet. And I came back to do the score reluctantly.
Why did I write a score? I guess it’s, “avoid being the only person in the class who didn’t do their homework”. It’s not about fame. Because as if I have not been, the first or the last, in my class. I have been there, and there’s no difference.
It’s because that if you are the special one with defect, you’re ability of understanding everyone very well is deprived by the group. Because every soul is unique and there is so much more I want to understand, I still want to be in the group.
Last night I ran to read the Confession again. Leo Tolstoy’s book. It’s nice to see that he’s even crappier than me on this issue.
Me, the limited me.
(From professor Celia:) Meaning is for “someone”.
In my eyes, ants on the ground carry food by following their genetic instincts to survive. However, this may not be the case for the ants.
Eternal things do not need to look for the meaning of existence. Only with such a short life do I need to exist by attaching myself to something eternal.
By then I felt it.
This could be the answer, the cause, and the result.
My brain felt weak and burnt, its strength is depleted by this question. Now what I’ll do is to record my feelings honestly.
This is the answer in my mind:
“Seek eternity until your death.”
……
2022/9/27/21:00
I spent most of my leisure time on watching other people’s lives. I went to video sites to watch people go into factory, do night shift for ten hours, live in a dormitory with bugs on their beds, and then earned 4,000￥. If I become some big man, would I try to improve their lives? Would I? Though I don’t have the ability, not at all. If I get superpower suddenly, maybe I would sneak into the government department and then talk to the leaders. “Y’all”…
Though incompetent, I do “have a life”. You see, if I were brave enough, would I be able to sacrifice myself to get the attention of my superiors? Then many more people will be happy.
……
I’ve read Ono’s grapefruit, and I felt that many things in it are not so meaningful to me.
Hey, fun fact. Just by reading the works of my classmates in class, I don’t think these are interesting at all. Watching them presenting, I thought, “the loveliest thing is actually them”. One by one, they showed their personalities.
The black girl who swears freely, the guy who plays his instrument in silence, the dice artist with blonde hair and blue eyeshadow, the classmates who’ve concluded his good weekend, the girl who sat next to me having a nice smile and nice cat. Grabbing cake with friends, trying to show the paint stains of tennis balls but have had problem unfolding, asked everyone to plays parachute together. Or draw pictures, tell stories, ask twenty-five people to twist a cube. What really gives meaning to their works is them.
……
If I want to present my score to class, I must present myself.
What do I have?
My life is kind of by myself. Sitting in the dormitory. Busying……
Woo! I typed these words when Sydney suddenly protruded from the side of the door and scared my roommate off. Sydney has black curly hair, dyed green at the end, and beautiful gray eyes.
Though, how could she be so lovely? Why is she so cute? Is it really my poor flesh that gave me such beautiful emotion and made me in tears?
I want to see your souls. Then when I see it, I’ll say:
“How could you be so cute!”
*My words are translated from Chinese and could have loss its strengths.
*My brain is exhausted and I have to get up next morning very early and I felt a little bit dizzy now. I can’t continue. I’ll edit it in the future if I have chance.